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England’s world cup chances hang by a thread today after Danny Welbeck was declared fully match fit.

Team coaches had worked ‘tirelessly’ to ensure Welbeck fell over or possibly twisted something in the run-up to the games, but England camp insiders report that Danny has comprehensively failed to fall into a dry swimming pool or step on a rake and hit himself in the face.

Supporters have been rooting for weeks for Welbeck to possibly get left behind at the airport or get stuck in a locker, and the sense of disappointment around supporters hotels in Volgograd is palpable this morning.

“It’s not all bad,” said England supremo Gareth Southgate.

“We’ve got a solid core of ten world-class players who can play on and hopefully can work around Danny.

“And at least if he plays, there’s the consolation that people in the back row and possibly the street outside will get a good close-up view of the ball.

“It’ll be like I never retired myself.”

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